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What's in a name ... ?
Home entertainment jargon
given some 'special'
treatment
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compiled
by: Richard
Morgan
The source of this fractured
audio-video glossary is lost
in the mists of time. It was
originally a faint
12th-generation photocopy and
despite efforts, the author
has never been located. Feel
free to add to the glossary or
make any comment (or
complaint) you like. In the
meantime you may find a
chuckle or two among these
divergent
meanings:
ACOUSTIC: Scottish
cattle prod.
ACOUSTIC RESEARCH:
A new treasure hunt for a
hearing aid.
AIWA: A greeting
one utters.
ALPHASON:A bright
star in the sky showing signs
of going supernova, or, a
Greek definition of
Betamax.
AM: A short phrase
used to attract an Aunt's
attention.
ANTI SKATE: Four
wheel ALD or, pre 1980,
Laxarettes, or, an aversion to
bottom feeding fish.
ARISTON: Type of
Italian washing machine.
AUDIOQUEST:
Something we all embark on,
but eventually discard,
figuring the Holy Grail is
more within our grasp ...
particularly if you know what
your favourite colour is!
AZIMUTH: Precise
angle at which to tilt and
drain a sherry glass without
leaving a red mark on the
nose.
BASF: Word shouted
by irate punter to anyone in
close proximity, on
discovering the item could've
been bought cheaper.
BASS DRIVER:The man
at the helm of the Empress of
Tasmania ... actually a
tenor!
BIPOLAR: What one
does when one runs out of XXXX
mints
BOSE: An acoustic
kaleidoscope.
CASSETTE: Little
used abbreviation for Swan
Lake ballet
CASTRALTO: High
register type Cuban folk
singer usually self
accompanied on the fiddle
CELESTION: Measure
approx. .003newton, q.v., the
shortest distance between two
prices along York Street.
COERCIVITY:
Technique used to gain entry
to nightclub.
COMPLIANCE: Quality
rarely found in finance
managers.
CONCERT: A definite
buyer for the Sydney Harbour
Bridge.
CREEK: Sound made
by valve amplifier enthusiasts
at hi-fi shows as the walk
through the corridors.
CROSSOVER: A period
of reconciliation.
DAT: The other
system which is fine if you
want something impressive to
look at and talk about besides
dis.
DCC: Just what you
say when you want a different
sonic taste.
DECIBEL: To damn
but seem to encourage with
faint praise.
DENON: Lyrics to
the Pink Panther tune ...
du-nun, du-nun, du-nun,
du-nun; ad infinitum.
Particularly enjoyable tune
with a glass or six of Wolf
Blass red label.
DIGITAL: An
Australian spade wielding
technique currently going
around the continent.
DISC: Something
that slips when you don't want
it; alternatively the opposite
to DAT
DUAL: Twice fold
(not to be confused with
stereo).
EPITAXIAL: State of
inebriation which makes it
difficult to hail a cab let
alone open the door and find
the seat when one finally
arrives.
ESOTERICARDO:
Expensive hi-fi gigolo denoted
by slicked back hair, over
sized lounge suit, four day
stubble and brand new winkle
pickers.
FEEDBACK: Sudden,
involuntary and
techni-coloured
regurgitation.
FLUTTER: What
high-end audio dealers do when
you ask for tone controls.
GOLDRING: `For
better or for worse, for
richer or poorer, in sickness
...'!
HARMONY: Kardany?
(Is this truly spoonerism, or
only a spoonerisms?)
HYSTERESIS LOOP: An
ingenious device to stop
reproduction; pirate
reproduction, that is.
HITACHI: The sneeze
your have when you're not
having a sneeze.
INDUCTANCE: How
Carolines hook their Henries
and vice versa.
INTERMODULATION:
Attempt at cooperation between
manufacturers which causes
painful inflammation of the
mucosal membrane and over
stress of the vocal chord.
JUNGLE: A short,
lively song used by 'ad'
people in New Zealand.
JVC: Describing
source of raw materials and
sound quality emitting from
finished product.
KESSLER: Unit of
capacitance defined as twice
the volume of a hollow
leg.
KLIPSCH:
Confetti-like substance
produced by ticket
collectors.
KOESTSU: very
expensive perfume available
only when impregnated in small
wooden boxes (supplied free
with cartridge).
KORD: Type of sound
made by a Glaswegian guitar
when played without bag
pipes.
KRELL: Silent, but
deadly, post curry meal by
product.
LASER DISC:
Interchangeable with a Mazda
323 disc!
LINN: Short length
of tape attached to balaclava
by which wool can be pulled
over eyes.
LITZ: The art of
snogging with clenched
teeth.
LP: A record that's
a real gas!
LUXMAN: A high
class gigolo.
MAGNETIC SHUNT:
Outcome of meeting between
rival and highly competitive
British amplifier designers
when both parties
simultaneously misplace their
bifocals.
MARANTZ: Virus
contracted in Far East causing
sufferers to order huge
quantities of hi-fi stock.
MERIDIAN: Loud sigh
of relief heard from dealer
when a full digital system is
sold.
MORDAUNT SHORT:
Garish beachwear, or formal
dress on the Gold Coast.
MUSICAL FIDELITY:
perverted precis of the 11th
commandment.
NAD: Audible
computer generated click
emitted from a bank.
NAIM: A droper only
available on prescription from
selected chemists with single
test tube pharmacies.
NAGAOKA: Milk
pudding desserts which
repeats.
NEWTON: At an audio
show; the distance between the
furthest exhibit and the
exhibitor's bar.
OHMS: Resistance
from republicans means this
distinguishing mark, used by a
Queen's representative ohm
mail, is disappearing.
ONKYO: A statement
of gratitude.
ORTOFON: Something
you keep meaning to do when at
a hi-fi show and away from
home.
PERREAUX: Star
character in New Zealand
remake of The Pink
Panther.
PANASONIC: State of
inebriation caused by high
volumes.
PHILIPS: About 45
litres of unleaded for most
cars.
PIONEER: A Big Ben
party game.
PLATTER: Verbal
garbage issued forth in
relation to coercivity.
REVOLVER: Rotary
bacon slicer.
ROGERS: Comparative
term: "mine's bigger than
..."
SAMSUNG: What he
did at the last product
release after consuming three
bottle of Queen Adelaide
SANYO: Spinning
toy, the latest versions go up
and down.
SANSUI: Resort in
South France favoured by
Japanese holiday makers.
SCAN: The actions
and attitude of most visitors
to hi-fi shows
SHARP: How all good
hi-fi sales people should look
and dress like.
SHIBATA: What
nearly everyone does after a
vicious
curry.
SHUNT:
Mispronounced derogatory term
caused by self-imposed speech
impediment; usually preceded
by useless (but we know the
latter is fundamentally
untrue).
SINGLE BIT:
Expression of dislike; `I
don't like it one ...'.
SUB WOOFER: The
landlocked shepherd mascot of
a U-boat crew. Alt: a retarded
dog.
STYLUS: The answer
to the question, 'What's the
point?'.
SONY: Word one
utters when overextending
product evaluation on loan
period (Sony 3 weeks since I
received it.)
SOUNDTRACK: What
northern Australians search
for in the wet season for
their
4WDs.
SUGDEN:
Self-styled audiophile who
likes a bit of bass.
SUNG: Past tense to
an Australian, but present
tense to a New
Zealander.
SYSTEMDEK: Method
of cheating at cards,
developed in Tassie.
TANDBERG: Quarter
pounder, with more bread,
served with Danish pastry.
TANNOY: To provoke
(Scottish expression).
TDK: The effect of
over-indulging in psychedelic
donuts.
TEAC: Wot they do
in skools thees daze.
TECHNICS: Actions
required when cruising the
local
nightspots.
THRESHOLD: The
over firm handshake of a hi-fi
sales person.
TRIO: A group of
people who can't see the
Kenwood for the foliage.
TOSHIBA: Noise made
by enthusiasts when the pepper
is spilt.
VARICAP: Ingenious
contraceptive device.
ADD TO THE FRACTURED
GLOSSARY
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